On a discussion board that I occasionally read, for women who are pregnant after suffering a stillbirth or infant loss, someone recently posed the question, "Are you scared before doctor's appointments? "
And I thought, Every time.
I am one week away from my anatomy scan, and I am fully convinced they will find something horribly wrong. I have no basis for this belief. Everything seems fine. I can hear his little heart beat on my home Doppler. Feel an occasional wiggle. No alarming symptoms.
It is just fear.
The fear of knowing you've been unlucky once, and it can happen again. The fear born of joining communities of parents who have experienced loss over and iver again. The fear of lack of control.
Or maybe it's survival instinct. I don't remember being scared of appointments with Shea. With Harper, each appointment brought continuous bad news, but even then I maintained a kernel of hope, of optimism it would all be OK.
Maybe if I go in with the worst expectations, I will protect my soul from being shattered again. I will face only the prospect of a pleasant surprise.
One week until the scan. And I am so very scared.
No comments:
Post a Comment