Just happy.
Not "happy despite having lost a child." Not "forgetting I'm sad for a moment." Not "happy despite wishing Harper could be on this trip."
Just happy. Which seems an appropriate way to kick off a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth.
The sad moments happen, but they're not nearly as sharp. This weekend was the concern that Harper's bushes are not looking very good. Twinge of pain. Yesterday was another "Congratulations on the baby!" from a seldom seen acquaintance. Twinge of pain. Today was Shea's discovery of a "Baby do not disturb" sign which he hung on the front door. Twinge of pain. A pregnancy announcement on Facebook. Twinge of pain. (Speaking of which, this is a great article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheila-quirke/when-facebook-sucks_b_3132293.html)
Right now they're only twinges. A wince, then gone. Was it really only a month ago that such triggers sent me off to cry by myself? That haunted me for days? That sent me running to my blog for comfort?
So, this is good, right? I'm healing. I'm looking forward. Things are getting better.
But then there's the guilt. And the recrimination.
I worry, sometimes, that I'm too happy. That there's something wrong with me. That I'm going to be judged for that. I find myself wondering if other people are thinking, "How can she be doing X when she just lost her daughter?" I meet other parents who have suffered losses and are so, so sad, and I find myself comparing me to them and thinking, should I be sadder, too?
The truth is, Harper, or the-heart-baby-who-Harper-wasn't, would never have gone to Disney. Nor would, in all likelihood, Shea and I. It would have been pre-surgery, so air travel to a crowded park was likely not an option. So the happiness I feel about this trip is only possible because my child has died. Twinge of pain.
It is what it is. There probably will be more days of pain, bigger than twinges, back to tears. Being at Disney, surrounded by two child families and young babies may make me feel that way. Or the return of a coworker from maternity leave. Or nothing at all. But for now I'm just happy.
I've not yet reached the stage where I'm worried about forgetting Harper. I still think about her every day. But it makes me nostalgic, not sad, per se. Similar to the way I feel when I think about how quickly Shea is growing.
And I'm happy Harper will in some small way be with us as we visit Mickey's House.
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