No time for contemplation

Dear Harper bean,

There is no time for quiet contemplation on this, the 10 month anniversary of your death. Life is busy, almost crazily so, with commitments, professional and personal. I read the sad stories of other SLO parents struggling with their little ones and feel guilty as I realize that I could not be doing half of what I'm doing now had you lived. The sense of relief and feelings of grief are in constant battle in my soul, and I sometimes wish their was a guidebook to navigating this complicated path.

Your daddy and I went away for a weekend, without Shea, and were truly happy to spend some time together, relaxing. I felt like it was our first getaway alone since you were born, but I realized we'd had another, last June, for a wedding. Comparing the two made me realize how horribly, horrifically sad I was then. I remember having to escape from the wedding crowd, to run off crying alone behind some bushes, terrible, wrenching sobs. It wasn't relaxing, I was too pent up with nervous energy, with grief, with too many tears to count.

Your mama's come a long way, baby.

These new sparks of happiness have awoken in me a need to celebrate the spawn. It has begun to bug me that we had such lovely baby showers and a bris for Shea, and such an amazing memorial service for you, I want to celebrate the life of this new baby, too. We've begun to talk about a bris - likely to be on a workday, so a little complicated. Then I catch myself comparing your memorial service to a celebration for spawn, and it gives me pause, it confuses me. On one hand, I feel odd having an event for you, my child who didn't live, while not having an equally grand event for the spawn, our new healthy boy. On the other hand, as Lou put it, we'll have more than one opportunity to celebrate spawn's life, something we did not get with you.

That thought was enough to set the fear in, because if you've taught me nothing, bean, is that you can't take a fragile life for granted. It makes me want to celebrate every day in the life of Shea and spawn, because every day I get with them is worth ceremonializing.

This is the picture that hangs on the wall of our bedroom, Harper girl, and it reminds me every day how lucky I was to hold your hand, even for a short time. Between the chaotic moments of a busy life, I am thinking of you today, my love.