Trauma earworms

There are few movies that I enjoyed more than the books that inspired them, but Touching the Void was definitely one of them. It was partly because I've never been to the Siula Grande mountains in South America where Joe Simpson had his accident, and I understood what he went through much better after seeing the landscape in the movie. And also because I didn't know the Boney M song that was stuck in his head as he becomes delirious. Hearing it in the movie, you could see how it could be both haunting and incredibly irritating to have that song stuck in your head.

I now better understand the Trauma Earworm, a totally random song that goes round and round your head, usually inappropriately or inanely, as you deal with some impossibly hard or emotional situation. It is forever, in your mind, associated with whatever happened.

My Harper earworm was Oasis' Wonderwall, and I'd almost forgotten completely about it until I heard it playing today. What was especially annoying about it, in my case, was that: 1) I really don't know the lyrics that well, so it was really just bits and snatches that were going round and round in my head; and 2) not really remembering the song that well, I also didn't realize what song it truly was, and kept thinking it was actually by Green Day. In fact, I kept saying to Lou, "I've got that Green Day song stuck in my head, you know that one that starts out with "Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you..."

Lou either was oblivious to the fact that the song wasn't by Green Day (likely) or just being polite or distracted in never correcting me. I've also probably mortally insulted both Green Day and Oasis fans with this mental mixup, but I'm hoping they'll but me some slack since all of this was occurring the midst of the hellish turmoil that was Harper's diagnosis, life, and death. (Incidentally, are there really Oasis fans? Did they ever sing anything else?)

It came back to me today, when I heard the song, how often those beginning lines came into my head as I held Harper and hung out in the hospital. I think it's because there was so much of a sense of "Today is the day..." throughout our time in the hospital. Today is the day the baby will be born. Today is the day we see the cardiologist, ophthalmologist, orthopedist, endocrinologist, genetic counselor, speech therapist, plastic surgeon, [insert specialist here]... Today is the first day of the rest of your lives.

In any event, reminded of this earworm today, I actually looked up the lyrics. Which is when I realized which song it actually was. And honestly, I haven't the foggiest idea of what the song means - what the heck is a wonderwall, anyways? Nor am I sure that I feel those opening lyrics, which were stuck in my head, really are particularly poignant or relevant to everything we went through with Harper.

But deeper in the song, the words I couldn't remember (obviously, since they bear the title of the song), really do make me think about my relationship with Harper, and the way I felt holding her:

"I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you but I don't know how

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my wonderwall."

What is a wonderwall? And why this particular pop song? Beats me. But given the complex emotions I still struggle with over Harper's life and death, it seems only right to have some unanswered questions.

Although I'm wishing my mind had summoned a better song to forever be associated with my bean.