Two months

Harper would have been two months old today.

At almost exactly two months,  we took Shea on his first airplane trip. He got to experience the beach for the first time. To swim in a swimming pool. He smiled constantly. He still does.

Harper probably wouldn't have been able to do any of that.

I sometimes feel I am mourning two babies. Harper,  the tiny little girl with the quirky extra finger who I fell in love with in spite of myself. And the baby who wasn't,  heart defect,  club feet, and all, the mostly healthy baby we were expecting.

It is that baby who makes me sad when I see ultrasound pictures. When I encounter newborns or pregnant women. When I look at the soft baby things,  unused,  sitting in the nursery crib.

I need to remind myself sometimes of how sick Harper really was. How sick she would have been if she had survived. She has reached such mythic proportions in our minds, and I loved her desperately,  but she would have completely altered the fabric of our universe. Harper had SLOS, and it is a no joking around disease.

I read the posts of the other SLOS families. Posts about clogged feeding tubes, screaming fits,  and medical specialists,  and I wonder how we would have handled it all. Would I still have been just as sad as I am now?  Still mourning the baby that wasn't? 

Then I read the excited posts of accomplishments, see the photos of beatific smiles,  meet the most amazing parents. And I don't know.

A moot point,  in any event.

Happy two months,  Harper bean. I do still love you.