Sad, sad, go away...

I give up. I admit it. I'm sad again.

Maybe it's the holidays. Or the six month anniversary. Maybe it's the crowds. Or the pregnancy hormones. Maybe it's the phase of the moon. Who the hell knows.

I just know that I'm spending more time crying or feeling like crying than I feel like laughing right now.

And it pisses me off.

Seriously, I thought I was done with this. More good days than bad. Able to remember without flinching. And yeah, yeah, yeah, I've read all the literature, been to the support groups - I know that grief knows no timeline. That it might spring up when you least expected it. I know, but knowing is different than feeling, than experiencing it. Knowing the reason why only does so much when I wake up weeping for no reason, when I want to go hide in my bed to curl up and cry.

It's also making me feel horribly guilty, because I feel like it's such an injustice to the spawn to come. I don't want to be sad with a baby on the way. I want to be excited. I want to be planning. I want to be thinking of lists of names and folding baby blankets and reading books about new babies with my boo.

Lou has been wonderful. Supportive and loving. Planning outings to baby stores and for maternity clothes to help generate excitement for the new baby.

I hate, hate, hate that I'm sad again. I'm ready for this phase to pass.