Wearable memories

Last night, I took my maternity clothes out of storage. Lugged the boxes upstairs, began sorting through, putting them in drawers.

And then I completely lost it.

I never wanted to wear them again. I thought I was done. And it's so soon. There are still so many memories wrapped up in those clothes. I feel like I just put them away yesterday, in the frenzy of housekeeping following Harper's death.

I need them. I hate them.

I had a brief moment in which I seriously considered scrapping them all and starting fresh. But it seemed like a stupid impulse, so I resisted.

But I stopped putting them away, because I just couldn't handle it anymore. Maybe I can finish the job after Thanksgiving. Maybe buying a few new pieces of clothing will help make this pregnancy seem new, not lost in past clothes. I don't know.

As I wept over the clothes, Lou and Shea came to hug me.

"Why is Mommy crying?"

"Mommy is sad about Harper bean" Lou told him.

"I'm sorry," Shea told me. "I'm sorry your Harper baby is all gone."

I told him thank you. Five minutes later he was chattering, full of happy plans for the "new baby that is in your tummy."

If only it was that easy for me.