In some ways, yes. I don't think I ever fully captured the holiday spirit. There was still a lot of time spent hidden away, crying, alternating between sadness for our loss, an eerie sense of wrongness and deja vu, resentment and anger that no one else seemed to be missing Harper, and a desire to just be home in my own space, safe and quiet.
But I was still able to find joy in watching Shea enjoy his family visits, get excited about frolicking in the snow and unwrapping new toys, and snuggling with him to read new stories.
And then there was this:
My stepmother made this beautiful stocking, decorated with bean stalks and fairies for our Harper bean. It made me feel like she was there, part of the holiday, acknowledged and loved.
Inside was a special gift for Shea, big brother to Harper and big brother to new baby yet to come. For the first time, I could feel the presence of my whole family, and it made a world of difference.
Happy holidays, Harper bean. I'm sorry you weren't hear to see the Chanukah candles lit or hear Shea sing the prayers or watch Shea drive the train around the Christmas tree. But know that you were with us in spirit, and you are still loved.
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