Half a step forward, one step back

The day began with lots of guilt. I really had this irrational desire to be at the NICU by 9 am, and as the  morning went on, it became increasingly clear that wasn't going to happen. Shea was being very needy - not difficult, just needed some parental attention -  which makes total sense. But I felt like I was dedicating my time to one child at the expense of the other.

Felt a little better when we got on our way. Made a phone call to a  recommended NIH contact,  not so much because I had a specific question,  but just for reassurance that there wasn't anything we were missing or not doing. Felt great walking into the NICU and finding they'd moved Harper out of the isolette and into a bassinet because she was holding her temperature so well. And finding she was up to 30 ml of milk in each of her feelings - moved up to the big syringe! Also had good news from the speech therapist,  who said Harper was making incremental progress and actually sucked a couple of times while she was working with her. Plus, the neonatologist suggested I try putting her to breast, so we got to have some cuddly skin time.

Things began going down hill from  there. Harper's tachypnea (rapid breathing) has gotten worse and she kept de-satting and setting off her pulse ox monitor. This seemed to get worsen when we held her, stressing her out, which didn't really help with that guilt thing. While I was off pumping,  poor exhausted Lou was yelled at for falling asleep in the rocker while holding Harper. Her eyes are back to red ans swollen, so no shy little peeks today. And we learned about some possible brain abnormalities detected on her MRI, as well as some potential credentialing red tape hassles getting Dr Porter  from NIH come see her.

In the end, our little girl ended up back on oxygen,  and they're worried she either has an infection and/or an partially collapsed lung. Feels like a big step backwards. Had a big breakdown in the NICU family lounge and seem to have lost all the optimism of then morning.

The one small ray of good news is that despite being plagued with an low milk supply for Shea,  I have lots of milk for Harper. I may not like this pumping thing,  but it does seem to work.