Last night, after we went to bed, I spent some time weeping on Lou's shoulder.
You need to let it out more, he said. You need to let go.
I told him I let go a lot - when I was alone with Harper in the NICU or late at night pumping. But if I let go anymore, the sadness would overwhelm me, and I would never get up.
Lou is focused on the positives we are getting out of this whole situation - our closeness, the support we've felt from families, etc. I keep finding all roads lead back to losing Harper. For example, after my therapist blew me off yesterday, I went for a walk in the warm sunshine while waiting for my ride.
I popped into a clothing store and immediately missed my pre-baby body, feeling self-conscious about the leftover baby belly. I wanted to share that I'd just had a baby two weeks ago, so of course I wasn't back in shape yet.
But that thought alone sent me into panic. I'd just had a baby two weeks ago! Why was I here, and not with her?!?! Oh, right, because she's in the NICU. With an incurable genetic disease. And she's dying.
Being away from Harper so soon after her birth aches and aches and aches. Not unique to our situation, since its probably true of every parent leaving their baby behind in the NICU.
So many of them get to bring their babies home, though, with the expectation of a life full of love and laughter and growth and milestones. We won't have that with our Harper bean. I wonder if that feeling of being severed from her will fade over time, or if it will always be lurking in the back of my chest, surprising me with its ability to suddenly suffocate me.
Someday. Someday the pain and loss will lessen, and you will be thankful that Harper was able to be a part of your life even briefly. Cherish your time together, the snuggling. But there will always be that moment of sadness when you least expect it. Hopefully it won't suffocate you, eventually. But none of us will ever forget Harper.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kathy. Treasure the time that you have with Harper. I think that she has been strong because she wants to be able to spend as much time with you as possible. She will always be an important part of your lives--now and years from now. And she has made an impact on many lives (I know that she has affected mine). Go back and read the essay that you posted about how sorrow diminishes over time--I thought that it captured it well. Sending you lots of love.
ReplyDelete