When your brother was born, I started a tradition of writing him a letter every year on his birthday (actually, this year I cheated - he was developing so quickly I wrote him a six month letter, too, because I didn't think I'd remember it all by his birthday!) I write to him about what he's done in the past year, what he's like as a person, and I how feel about him and about being his mother. It is my hope that some day he'll read them and get a sense of how much I loved him each and every day of his life. Every year when I write those letters, I cry and I cry, happy tears of joy and remembrance, similar to the tears I shed every time I pack away the next too small size of little clothes.
I don't think I'll have the opportunity to write you a one year birthday letter. Maybe not even one month. So I thought I'd take the opportunity to write you to say Happy 2 week Birthday, Harper bean!
I love you so very much. The very anomalies that mark your disease are some of the very things that make you look so sweet: your little pushed back chin, your tiny quirked extra finger, your delicately pointed little ears.
Contrary to many SLO babies, you absolutely love to be held and snuggled. Your sats are highest when you're snoozing in the arms of someone who loves you. And man, are you strong! You grip an offered finger tight, unwilling to let go. Like your brother, you already have amazing head control for a newborn and you are not shy about shoving things away with your strong little arms and feet if you don't like something.
When you're mad, you cry with the sounds of a bird calling, and when you're disturbed during a nap, you make tiny little squeaks of protest. Your soft brown hair is like satin to the touch, and it is far longer in the back than the front, like a monk's tonsure or a mullet. You have a tiny little mole on the right side of your head that blends perfectly with your hair, and much like your mommy, your skin flushes red when heated or upset.
I wish I could have seen you for longer without a face full of tape and tubes - I would love to just gaze into your sweet, sleepy expression for hours. You love to have your head stroked, and when you were stronger, you found great comfort in mommy petting your mouth, or giving you a finger to suck.
Although I know you can't see, it is still a thrill on those rare moments that you open your eyes, and it seems like you're peering up at me from underneath your heavy lids.
The hours of my day spent smiling are starting to outnumber the days spent crying. I am learning to accept your poor, damaged fate, little bean, and just enjoying the time spent holding your tiny hands and singing you songs that you may never hear. Although you are not the bean we wished for and dreamed about, you are our little girl, and I love you both fiercely and sadly.On Monday we bring you home. I can't wait to snuggle you whenever I want to, in our own home, surrounded by family and puppies and life.
I love you, Harper bean! --Mommy
I loved this letter. Thank you so much for sharing it. It's a wonderful tradition for you to have for your children. (With my luck I'd lose the letters even if I wrote them.)
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