Irrationally angry. Tearfully angry. Angry over stupid, petty shit. See? Angry enough to swear, which I pretty much never do.
Angry that this happened to us. Angry that there are terrible people in the world with kids that are alive and healthy, and ours isn't. Angry that people I care about have had to live through this. Angry that my house is a mess again and I need to clean up the dining room, which is almost an altar to Harper's memorial, because we're having guests for dinner, but I can't bring myself to do it. Angry that my pets are getting old and having accidents in the house, but I can't bear the thought of losing anyone else right now. Angry that I forgot to buy coffee beans again, and I could really use a cup of coffee. Angry that life is going on and that I feel like nobody else is as sad as I am right now about Harper's death. Angry that I had a c-section so I have to wait six months before I can think about another pregnancy. Angry that I didn't spend the full day with her on that last Sunday, that I came home, that I wasn't there every minute of her last day. Angry because I used to love lazy Sundays, and now I wonder whether a Sunday will ever feel happy again or if they will always be "it has been x number of weeks since Harper died."
Angry that I feel angry, because it's such a useless, unproductive emotion.
It sucks. The whole thing just sucks.
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| Angry!!!!! |
I remember being in the NICU and seeing babies who were born to drug abusers leaving the NICU in a day or 2, not that I wished harm on those babies, but I would think to myself, I did everything right and my baby is fighting for her life and these people who don't care about their children get to leave with a healthy baby. I hope in time the anger will subside. Thinking about you daily my friend.
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